life & death, energy & peace...

Upset.

Lately I’ve been so tired, so lazy. I don’t want to do anything - and I don’t, even if its something I have to do.

So I’ll drink away my money, and lay in bed all day when all is said and done.

currently on step 2.

So tired.

Always

I love

My boy. My family. My friends. My life.

..nights like these. Cool air. Empty streets. Windows down.

Because despite all the bad in this world I somehow know that we will all get through it.

Peace&love

The perks of being a wallflower

“”I know that I brought this all on myself. I know that I deserve this. I’d do anything not to be this way. I’d do anything to make it up to everyone. And to not have to see a psychiatrist, who explains to me about being “passive agressive.” And to not have to take the medicine he gives me, which is too expensive for my dad. And to not have to talk about bad memories with him. Or be nostalgic about bad things.
I just wish that God or my parents or Sam or my sister or someone would just tell me

what’s wrong with me.

Just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense. To make this all go away. And disappear. I know that’s wrong because it’s my responsibility, and I know that things get worse before they get better because that’s what my psychiatrist says,
but this is a worse that feels too big.”“

I remember when…

I was three or four years old.

I was at my aunt ginas house, and she was helping me make play-doh castles and guards and i was laughing with her and thats all life would ever be - fun, laughing, and play doh castles. i’d never have to worry about anything.

I was six or seven years old.

I was at dinsey land and i was on my dads shoulders and sun was shining in my face. there was a sea of people around me but  i didnt care because my dad had me and nothing would ever happen to me, and hed always be there for me if i was scared or helpless and lift me up out of trouble.

i was ten or eleven years old.

i  was on my cousins porch and the sun was hot in my face and we were having a picnic. i spilled my lemonade and we laughed together and talked about boys and how gross they were and how wed be friends forever and how wed always be together.

i was thirteen or fourteen years old.

i had just gotten out of school and the rain was gently falling. i was walking to my grandmas house as usual. i opened the door and smelled her laundry detergent and freshly baked bread. she greeted my with a smile and we sat and talked for hours about life and school and shed always be there for me…and id never have to worry about her getting old or her health.

i am twenty years old as of two hours ago.

i realize now that all of those things i thought were not true. life isnt all fun and play- doh, im no longer friends with her, my dad wont lift me up from my worries and troubles, and every single person i know will leave me one day.

i am twenty years old, it is 2am and i am at my computer silently crying, because i have been reminiscing and i miss being young so much.

i have become distant, i have become money driven, i have become my job….i am becoming an adult.
&IHATEEVERYSECONDOFIT.

so this is it. im changing. im done letting the people i love the most down, because thats what i’ve been doing. i will change, i will become a better person, and i will never, ever, ever grow up. 

theres no place like home.

“I know exactly how that is. To love somebody who doesn’t deserve it. Because they are all you have. Because any attention is better than no attention. For exactly the same reason, it is sometimes satisfying to cut yourself and bleed. On those gray days where eight in the morning looks no different from noon and nothing has happened and nothing is going to happen and you are washing a glass in the sink and it breaks-accidentally-and punctures your skin. And then there is this shocking red, the brightest thing in the day, so vibrant it buzzes, this blood of yours. That is okay sometimes because at least you know you’re alive.”

I’m in my own world.

Everything is spinning out of control - but I don’t care. I’m just gonna put another record on and drift off to sleep.

take me to neverland.

Sometimes I just need to let my mind go blank and fill up pages of paper with my thoughts. This is one of those times….

Everything seems to be moving so fast lately. It seemed like just yesterday I was bitching about High School and now I’d give anything to go back. It feels like I have so much on my mind my head is going to explode. It’s a constant anxiety attack, and I just keep shaking. I am literally so overwhelmed. I keep telling myself to take deep breaths but it just isn’t working.

everyone is getting older. i’m seeing gray hairs on my dad’s head, and the wrinkles in my grandmas face are getting clearer. it kills me to know one day i’m going to have to live without them all - that someday i’m gonna be gone. i guess i just feel like time is moving too fast. life needs a pause button, or a slow motion button.

i just want it all to stop spinning. i want to go back to swingsets and bicycles and innocence. where my mom was my idol and my dad was my hero. i want to go back to when it all was so simple. when i couldn’t go past the third house on my street, and i didnt even care. i want to go back to when boys had cooties and they couldnt break your heart, and when i thought love was just for your family and not for anyone else.

i miss those days. i miss my brother being so little i could hold him and hug him, and he felt so light i was afraid he’d just float away. i miss the family vacations and my grandma being invincible, and not knowing what death was and thinking everyone was going to be here forever.

I hate this, i hate growing up. I hate seeing the evil in the world, and all the problems of every day life. i want to be little forever.

i wish i could wave a magic wand and just go back in time. i’m not ready for all of this, i’m not ready.

hes going, going…gone away.

I still remember exactly how you said goodbye. The way you looked at me, the way your eyes looked when you said those exact words. I remember how you smelled, and what cologne you wear. I remember the name of your dog, and the names of your cats. I remember every single story you ever told me, and every single time you laughed at something I said. I remember your car, and how incredibly messy it was…and how I never cared because I was with you, and that’s all that mattered.

I remember how smooth you were, and how you got me to do things I would never normally do with any other guy. You voice was like silk, and the way you looked at me made me melt.

I remember how much I loved you, and how much you never cared.

Tonight you said your final goodbye. You said I’d never see you ever again. You told me to lose your number. You deleted all of my friends off of your facebook.

I wanted to be the one to never talk to you again. I wanted to prove to you I was strong enough to say goodbye - not the other way around. You could never let me win, could you?

Even when you asked for things, a year & a half later - you acted like we had never been friends, that we never met each others families, been over each others houses, drove in each others cars, took naps together. None of it ever happened, and I could see it in the way you talked to me.

I was nothing to you, I was always an option - not a choice. You were my everything, and I let you walk all over me.

I let my morals go to waste because of you. I let you tell me what to do, and treat me like garbage and then I apologized.

I hate you, but I love you. How is that even possible?

So many people probably wonder how I can still care after a year and a half. They think I’m acting, or being overdramatic. I don’t know what to say to them. If they knew how much I loved you, I guess they wouldn’t be so skeptical.

You literally took my heart away from me, and I still haven’t healed from it.

Love doesn’t ever disappear, even though you have.

Good Riddance. (Time of your life)

I’d like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass.

In my life…

Almost four months ago, I lost a friend. He died suddenly, in a car accident. Ever since then, and even before that day, I have thought about death a lot.

Tonight, I was driving around with a close friend of mine when the song “Forever Young” By Jay Z came on the radio, and when I heard “Fear not when, Fear not why, fear not much while we’re alive…Life is for living not living uptight” it made me think…

We all have problems in our lives. Every day problems that, while we are living with them, seem like the biggest problems in the world, yet…There are people all around the world that have nothing. No internet, phone, television, food, water, or anbiotics.

Not only that, but in this life it seems like people try to plan ahead. They plan their lives - school, jobs, schedules, everything for a day that they are not guaranteed.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we get so wrapped up in planning ahead that we don’t stop and think about RIGHT NOW. We don’t live for the moment.

My friend was driving to a home he would never set foot in again, probably thinking about going into a workplace the next day that would never again see his smiling face.

It all seems so sad to me…But at the same time, he has given me a gift that I am forever thankful for. The gift of Knowledge that tomorrow is not promised to us, that I may not wake up tomorrow - and to live each day to the fullest and be grateful.

Even though it may seem like life sucks, at least we’re living it.

Thank you Josh, I love & miss you.